Yesterday I had the opportunity to have tea and gluten free cookies with my kids’  70+ year old neighbor.  Her name is Bernadette, but she goes by “B”.  She is the child of Italian immigrants and has made her life here in northern NJ.  She has lived in her house for a long time and has used the upstairs as a rental apartment. That apartment was first used for her parents, as she cared for each of them into their 90’s.  She had several brothers, one of them a twin – but all have passed away.She said her twin was a drug addict, so “that was that”! She never married or had children of her own.  She has several nieces and nephews and recently buried her boyfriend of 40+ years. She is a kind, caring and watchful neighbor to my son, wife and granddaughter.  She has “cookies” for their dogs, and when she bakes, she brings breads and cookies (gluten free as she has celiac disease) to share with my NJ family.  She watches over their house and tells them stories of the folks who lived there before them. She feeds cats, who have kittens, which she also feeds. They are all feral. We talked of families,  social security, playing outside with friends instead of inside on electronics, friendships she was robbed of when her parents moved her to a new neighborhood and school, her now gone tenant who was a hoarder and her loss of her boyfriend.  She cried.  She apologized for crying – and said she doesn’t talk about him because others are uncomfortable when she cries or shares her grief.  I told her to cry – tears don’t upset me.  Told her she had every right to express her grief and if others were uncomfortable that was something they would need to work out. She has a right to her grief.

She loves to see my granddaughter, but is uncomfortable if she fusses.  So, she likes to hold her until that happens.  Today, as we visited, the fussing started.  She looked at me with some trepidation and asked “what do I do?”  I suggested that she just walk around a bit with her and see if that worked. We kept “busy” talking and soon she began to just sway with the baby and my granddaughter settled and dozed off to sleep.  B looked at me and said with wonderment “ I did it. She went to sleep.”.  Yup B – you did it!

Bernadette says is going to move sometime soon.  She is getting ready to put her house on the market.  She had a house picked out but the inspection did not go well – so it is back to the search.  She feels like there are too many memories of her loved one in this house and would like to have a fresh start where there will not be so many remembrances everyday. My kids will be sad to see her go when the move is final. I think that she is just in transition, and maybe needed a reason to ask her longtime, hoarder, tenant to move out.  I wonder if she will be able to leave her memories.  For my kids sake, I hope she decides to stay. She is a great neighbor.

We are not always great neighbors today.  Our world is so fast paced, and we have become so self centered, that we worry mostly about ourselves.  Not the neighbor.  We can’t seem to get our own agenda cared for let alone be concerned about anyone else and their agenda.  We seem to have forgotten how to really live in community.  We do not do a good job of reaching out to others in our day to day.  Sure, we get involved in the big projects with our schools or churches, after all what kind of people would we be if we didn’t donate to the food pantry or buy gloves and hats for kids that have none?  I am not talking about that kind of neighbor.  I am talking about the kind that drops off an extra pie when I get one for myself, or brings the other person’s trash can back up to the house on trash day.  Or, mows the neighbors yard, lets their dog out, drops off a book they think they might like to read. The kind of neighbor who knows what is happening in the other person’s life.   I am talking about engaging with people other than our immediate household.  Investing in someone outside of our four walls. Knowing them well enough to understand when they need you.  Or knowing when they want you.  And knowing when you want them…. and allowing them into your live.

We have gotten very good at building walls around our hearts and our lives.  It seems so important to us as a people to appear to have it “all together” and “under control” and “enjoying life”.  When we do that, how are others supposed to integrate and made a difference in our lives? How are we supposed to be able to the the same for them?  And – if we always look like we have it together – how are our neighbors ever supposed to feel like we all share some of the same struggles?  If we “look” perfect – no one can honestly relate to us.

We need to share our sorrows – and we need to learn to be comfortable to have others sorrows shared with us.  It really is quite simple to do – just be there, just listen.  We always worry we won’t know what to say – the “saying” is not important – it is the “being’ that is important.
My son and daughter-in-law took the time to attend B’s boyfriends funeral.  They took the time to honor an integral part of Bernadette’s life. Were there other things they could have done that day?  Absolutely! But they choose to be a neighbor.  They chose to be present in her life.  They chose B over themselves.  We need to be “that” neighbor.  I know I am not. I need to work harder at minding someone else’s business.