My father was an alcoholic. Like his father before him. My mother is very prim and proper.  You might say that she was Emily Post’s poster child.  He was engaging, loud and never met a stranger.  She was polite and politically correct – for that time frame.  As you can imagine – the two personalities became more and more like oil and water.  As time went on, the chasm between them became wider and wider.  I was the piece in between. No one meant for me to be in between – I just was by default.

 

By the time I joined their marriage, 10 years in, it was not readily evident to me that they loved each other. That is not to assume they did not – I just didn’t readily see it.  As I look back, there were common flaws – the firstborn son becomes the mother’s focus, the father fades to the background.  The more successful the mother feels she “makes” the son, the more time the father spends trying to be financially successful and apart from the family.  The alcohol takes a bigger bite out of the father and the mother is consumed with “pretending” to the public, her family and herself that there really is no problem here.  The elephant in the living room is born.  Right around the time as the new baby joins this dysfunctional group.

 

I see things in black and white. Therapists say that is because I was greatly influenced by an alcoholic.  To me, things are right or they are wrong.  There is very little gray in my life. Gray speaks of indecision to me. Gray says I won’t make up my mind. Gray even says that I am  weak or uninformed. If I have the information – I should be able to decide – black or white.

 

I run a muck with this all the time

 

I think a large amount of the world lives in the gray.  I think they feel it is safer there.  I think that they feel that the risk of being wrong, holds them back from attempting to be right, so instead they are just …. just in the middle.

 

I am often tempted to be gray.  

 

After all, I could just fade into the crowd, keep my black and white to myself. Don’t take the risk of saying or doing something that is glaringly WHITE or dastardly BLACK. Ride the wave with the crowd. Slide down in my seat. Keep my mouth closed at all costs.

 

The temptation never lasts long.  I can’t allow things to pass in front of me that I KNOW are not right. Many times it doesn’t even need to be something that impacts me.  It just needs to be wrong. And I want to right it. I want to be a change agent. I want to see a difference in the situation and the people involved.

 

There is no “choose your battles” or “pick the hills you want to die on” in my life.  How can I choose to address one wrong and not the other or celebrate one right and not the other. If it is wrong – it is wrong and should be addressed and if it is right it is right and should be recognized.

 

Gray is really threatened by Black and White.  

 

These two extremes make gray feel agitated, frightened and anxious.  These two extremes push Gray’s buttons. These two opposites make  Gray want to “abort the mission”.

 

But really

 

 Gray needs to realize that it doesn’t exist without Black and White. It takes both of them to create Gray.  What Gray needs to learn, is to take Black when appropriate and then take White when appropriate. And become a true Gray.  One that is able to speak to a situation, act on a situation and maybe even change a situation.  Not a fake Gray – one with no  backbone or standards. One who only cares about protecting themselves.

 

And the one who is Black and White?  Me?  UGH …. I am in a continual battle to evaluate the “Grays” in my life.  Are they a true representation of the color, meaning are they able and have they done due diligence to discern what is really going on and address the parts that need to be addressed and shelve the rest? Or are they that safety “gray”, the ones that hide behind a smile and the lack of discipline it takes to stand up for what is right or wrong?  I am also in it for the long haul of trying to mix my paint colors.  There is a constant battle going on internally (and sometimes externally for all to see) to bring these two extremes to a workable middle.

 

 Age has helped with that to a degree

 

Failure has helped more

 

Each time I throw that paint can of white or black, I learn a little bit more about the right time and the right place.

 

Truth?

 

I NEVER want to be the mediocre “gray” that ends up never standing for anything.

 

Never

 

But, I would like to be the true “GRAY” that is able to mix, blend, speak, hold my tongue, act, sit still when each of those are the best thing for the final outcome.  I want to look at it from a different perspective – not blame the colors.  Perhaps the  the color isn’t really wrong, it is the presentation of that color.  

 

I can’t tell you if the therapists are right.  Maybe my environment created this personality and maybe I was just born this way – or maybe it is the mixing of the two.  What I can tell you is that I am responsible for painting the world that I live in and the people that I touch. My hope is that when I need to use the black paint, I will dip my brush in that can with self assurance and paint. But I also hope that I will continue to pour out a little black and mix in just enough white to lessen the severity or mix a little black into the white to show the reality.

 

 

What color paint are you?  Are you satisfied with that – do you think you bring the right mix to the world or should you be re-evaluating what you are putting on our paintbrush?

 

I invite you to subscribe to this blog via email and to share it on your social media.  Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!