34 years…..
Pastor’s wife…
That’s me…
Someone asked me a few days ago, if I liked being a Pastor’s wife. That is not the first time I have been asked that question. It is, however, the first time I really hesitated before I began to answer him. And then, I was grateful, that I was interrupted and didn’t need to finish my answer.
It’s not that I didn’t know my real answer. It is not like I haven’t always known my real answer. Maybe I never wanted to acknowledge my real answer?
What the heck is the definition of a “pastor’s wife”.
One married to a pastor – right. And if you believe that is where that definition ends….
The implications are varied and vast. For me … they were also often suffocating.
I “knew” what it meant to be married to a pastor. I “understood” the responsibilities. I was “cognizant” of the expectations. I was also young, naive, and hopeful. And in love…with the pastor. BTW- that last part has not changed – the first parts have.
What I didn’t like, were all the unspoken rules, requirements and expectations that had nothing to do with being married to the pastor. What they had to do with, was people’s arrogance, selfishness and many times downright meanness.
I quickly learned I had stepped into a pre-defined space. A space that had been successfully and unsuccessfully filled by many before me and would be filled by many after me. I embraced that pre-definition as best and as wholly as I could. I often “apologized” for not being the “right kind” of pastor’s wife. Because, I was always told there is a “right kind”. I often chastised myself for not fulfilling the expectations correctly.
I also quickly learned what bitterness tasted like.
And sadly, that taste has lingered long in my mouth.
How has that impacted my life – my relationship with Jesus and my husband, our children, the body of Christ?
Suffice it to say it has impacted all of that and probably more.
Stay tuned – I am going to attempt to dissect this over then next several weeks. It might be messy. I will be as honest as I can push myself to be.
In fact – it will simply “be” and nothing more.