I had the chance to see my life through the rear view mirror the other day.  We don’t often have this chance, but when we do it is often somewhat surreal.  We are tempted to immediately jump to could have, should have, would have.  I tried not to do that – but to just look around at where I had been.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to reconnect with a college friend while visiting in North Carolina.  This friend was my “polka partner” whenever one was played – we were members of the same denomination, part of college choir together, shared a European choir tour and many of the same friends.  Then life took us on our separate paths.  The great and mighty Facebook reconnected us some time ago.He was helpful a year ago when our daughter was offered a job in NC – as he already had navigated those waters.  It is comforting to a mom and dad to know that a friend is near enough should an emergency occur, we could call our friend for help.  When we moved her here, Tom invited us to attend church with him, but we were unable to make that service.

This time, my DD and I were able to go.  His church currently meets in a strip mall – a storefront ministry.  They have been around for a few years and are currently looking to move to a permanent location- but trying to first raise the funds needed to do that in order to not overextend the congregation.

Our family has been the “visitor” MANY times in our lives – so it is really no deal for us to walk into a new church.  And we did – we walked in and worshipped together.  What was nice, was to not be in charge…. of anything. To just go to worship.  Those of you in pastoral ministry will completely understand that.  Respite from responsibility is always good for the soul.  My friend is on the worship team, so we knew that we would only see him for a brief moment, so we arrived just in time for church to start.  Once it did – I began to “see myself through the rearview mirror of my life”.

So much of what took place was carefully thought through and so similar to what I had participated in crafting at our local church many years ago.  It was easy to be there, as it was familiar.  What was also easy, was for me to make a mental checklist of where we had either failed or learned to do things differently to be successful – and to want to offer them the consultation that no one wants.  The one that says things like get better at “this”, don’t do “this”, why didn’t “this” take place.  This is an example of my unwanted side. I quickly evaluate a situation and attempt to improve it.  Most people don’t want that kind of input. Mostly, because they have worked hard to get to where they are and the “evaluation” feels more like “criticism”.  Their investment feels threatened by the outsider who objectively makes suggestions, without any emotion attached.

I think we are all like that.  We say we are open to constructive criticism, but really, it is one of the hardest things for us to participate in.  People and organizations struggle with their “this is how we have always done it” mostly because they have invested their time and energy at some point into the process that is currently taking place.  As a side note, I don’t care for the so called constructive criticism that comes from the uninformed person.  You need to have experience – with either the process or have the ability to transfer your skills to to the situation – in order to be able to speak to the process.  But in order for the “advice” to be valuable, it has to come to open hearts and ears.  And all too often, we say we are open, but we are not.

I would never presume to offer my perspective to this church group – because I have no relationship with them.  I have not earned their trust. I have not been paid to come in and by position have my opinion valued. I was nothing but a visitor yesterday. So, I will say nothing.  And should they face any of the things that I might have mentioned, I am sure they will be quite successful as figuring out what to do next.  They seemed smart like that!

However, we are all a part of many “groups” where there are folks that have earned the right to speak, to share their expertise.  Unfortunately, I have found that all too often, we choose to not value that input. To stick with the “how we have always done it’. Or to only value certain folks’ input while discounting the rest of the team. And quite honestly, it feels easier that way. In the long run, it is so much harder. Additionally, people become weary of being discounted.  And then it happens…. exactly what the discounted people offered up as a challenge, becomes the demise of the person or organization.  Happens all the time.  Because we are, as people, too wrapped up in sticking with what we think works to see that it isn’t working.  This happens in organizations, in jobs, and in families.

Another advantage of seeing my college friend yesterday, is that he shared with me some of the struggles that he has had with his 20 something son.  It was very familiar to me. I listened carefully, looking for hope – and he offered that.  I borrowed his rear view mirror for a brief moment.
Sometimes, we need to see life through the rear view mirror.  See what has happened before and then do our best to honestly evaluate it as we drive forward.  If the mirror is in a blind spot, we may need to hear the hard truths from someone we trust. Then we may need to change what we are doing, so that we work smart and not hard. So that we maximize our potential. And to possibly see what is coming up behind us next.