This is the first time in nearly 33 years that I have been apart from my husband for more than a few days.  The last time we were apart, was the summer before we got married.  I moved back to NJ to work a couple of summer jobs and he had an internship in Indiana.  We wrote letters to each other and called once a week.  I think he still has the letters…. sorry kids if you find them when we die.  Please see them as a genealogical find.

I have a strange marriage.  Now, before you get all up in arms, and want to defend my husband, let me explain.  I have known my husband for about 34 years – married to him for 32.5 years.  In that time period, we have lived in 5 different houses and have, together made each of them a home, no matter the circumstances.  Together, we have suffered the loss of a child pre-birth, mourned the departure from this earth of his mother (the best mother-in-law a girl from NJ could ever have hoped for), gave birth and raised 4 children, who each share our combined weirdness and lived through countless job heartbreaks and successes.  Together. As each other’s partner.

Long about 15 years into our marriage, I began to have the opportunity to “hang out” socially with some colleagues.  They were all great women, each with their own strengths and weaknesses.  However, I began to notice that some of these women craved something I could not identify with.  They craved time away from their spouse and desired to spend it with a group of gals.  Nothing wrong with that.  But I could not relate for some reason.  While I enjoyed my time with them, and always had fun- I always missed sharing that time with my spouse. I struggled with this for quite some time, as if there was a piece developmentally wrong with me. Each time one of these gals would say something jokingly disparaging about their husband, I just didn’t get it.  My husband was not like that – our relationship was not like that – our marriage was not like that.  Again – I am not criticizing their world – I was just confused about mine.

Leave and cleave.  Ever heard those words?  Well, they are biblical, no surprise there.  And I think for us they meant everything. Especially the cleave part.  I am not sure that either of us had a stellar example of marriage – not that what we were raised in was bad, wrong, hurtful or abusive.  It  was just that both of our sets of parents were considerably older than our peers, and they had more of the “love speaks silently” marriage.  Our families of origin remained in tact – so we did have that example. The other piece that has created this weirdness, is that we decided early on (not during that love crazed time) that we had no back door. Everthing was expected from each other and nothing was allowed to penetrate our bond.  Not even anyone from our family, including our children. When there is no exit, you figure out how to make your circumstances benefit everyone.  We also needed each other.  We were in an occupation(Pastoral Ministry) that made it difficult to mingle with other folks on a very personal level.  So we mingled alone, mostly at home, because this same occupation also kept us at the poverty level most of our lives. (I know – you would love to have a house and utilities provided for you – but I guarantee you that once you live there, you would hate it. I PROMISE!)

So we cleaved.  And we liked it.  (no snide remarks)

Then some employment changes took place and we were both exposed to people outside of the church. And a different social experience began to take place – mostly for me. With other women. And margarita’s  – but that is a different story!  And I hated leaving him behind.  He always encouraged me to go.  I always felt awkward without him there.  I always wanted him to go along.

Over time, I realized we  were just different than the majority.  There are some of us folks out there in this minority group – the married couples who really just want to be together and experience all of life together.  The married couples who, if given the absolute choice, would forgo friendships if they were MADE to pick.  I would.  And I love my friends. I just love my husband more.  I would pick him first for my team and in fact I did. Sometimes, I even take him with me to go out with the girls!  They love it!

This summer, as I continue this unemployment journey, my husband encouraged me to redeem the time by going to see two of our 4 kids – one in NC and one in NJ.  And with that I also got to meet a new puppy and spend a lot of wonderful time with my wonderful daughter in law and new grand-daughter.  But without him.  It was really hard to do this.  I think it was even hard for our kids- they are so used to us doing everything together.  But, he said go because you will never have this chance, in these circumstances, again. And he was right- but it still would have been better to do it together.
We are a package deal my husband and me.  And I am glad to be wrapped up in this thing called marriage with him.  He is my best friend and as much as I love my kids, and want to be with them to experience their lives with them, I am glad to be reunited with him.  3 weeks is a long time to be away from your best friend.