There is so much going on in our world today.  Each “thing” has opinions, feelings, groups, people, organizations, families involved.  Each “thing” has sides. Each has articles, blog posts, social media jabs, and TV reports.  So much rhetoric. So much noise. So much confusion.

I don’t know about you, but this becomes exhausting for me.  I seem to be constantly forming an opinion or trying to figure out what side of the argument I sit on.  I want to have caring, thoughtful responses to each of these issues.  I want to be sure that I am not just responding emotionally. I also am attempting to not diminish the importance of these  “things” in our society and to my friends and acquaintances. I am worn out -how about you?

Many of the accusations against Christians today revolves around the statement that we are not showing love.  Well, in many ways we are not…. showing love.  I fear we have confused love with discipline.  Let me explain.

I have spent all of my married and child rearing days as the wife of a minister.  My experience is pretty normal and one of the “warnings” we get from seasoned Pastor’s wives, and I have offered it as a warning to others, is that the church and its attendees seem to believe it is their duty to discipline the Pastor’s children. At the church, in public places and even in the Pastor’s home. I know that others experience meddling family members, and as aggravating as that is, it is nothing like having an entire congregation watching and giving conflicting discipline to your children.  They say they love them and want the best for them.  They say that it is their job to discipline them since their parents are so busy leading the church.  They say that they ultimately know best as they have all raised their own kids.  The problem is, these folks are not my kids parents.

I once had a female leader in one of our churches tell me, while visiting me in my home, the parsonage, that the problem I was having in controlling my children (I was unaware I actually had this problem) was that I was not keeping them accountable to a daily quiet time (how did she know?).  That it was my responsibility to demand that they respect this quiet time in the Bible and learn from it – after all her children did and look how great they turned out.  I thanked her – the first time she said it.  When it was apparent to her that I was not interested in raising my children the same way as she raised hers, she became adamant that she show my children how to obey a quiet time. I thanked her again and asked her to leave my house, to which she forcefully reminded me that it was, in fact, not my house, it was her house as a member of the church and I would do well to remember that and train my children as she had instructed me.  You are gasping in horror I hope! I am sure in her mind, she was offering love to me and my children – when she was actually pushing discipline down my throat.

I am sure “they” love my kids.  My family has experienced this love for 30 some years and I am eternally grateful for it. But it was the church’s  job to love and the Pastor and his wife’s job to love and discipline. This particular set of children were entrusted to us – not to anyone of them.  They came with a distinctively different set of DNA, circumstances and environment than the other peoples children – not to mention that they are “on parade” every day of their lives.  It is just so difficult for the church folks to draw the line between love and discipline. And we are doing it to the world.

In so many of our societal “things” today, the church wants to and needs to be heard.  With that in mind, it is spewing out what they are calling love. But I think the church might be confused.  I think we may be spewing out discipline.  Think about it. Your kids respond better, and sometimes exclusively,to your discipline when they understand and accept the love that precedes the discipline. In what galaxy do we think that people outside of our “family” will respond to discipline without the foundation of love?  They hear us judging them, not loving them.  Unless you are within the circle of family, you have not earned the right to speak discipline into their life.  You have the admonition to love. If discipline is to take place, it will – just not from those outside of their “family”.

Don’t misunderstand. Love will eventually require discipline.  Like having an infant – you love them like crazy, but the discipline doesn’t start for several months. Discipline must be carefully crafted by those that love us.  Discipline must take place in the church.That is a tricky process and one the church is responsible for figuring out. However, we have to keep the discipline part within our church and the love part as the extension of the church.  No bait and switch – be honest about what we believe in and why so that people come into our fellowships with eyes wide open – but we cannot hold people accountable to our set of “rules” or “standards” when they have never agreed to abide by them.  It would be like asking my child, who for our own personal reasons, never had a curfew, to be sure to be in our home by the curfew time you have set for your child.  It is a ridiculous notion. Once folks have agreed to your family, sometimes called the church, and what it teaches, then you have the difficult task of helping each other to be accountable.  Not before. You know, the old” people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”?  I don’t know about you – but I see a lot of plate glass around me.

I continue to struggle to work out how the Bible interacts with the world I live in.  If you have it figured out – I think … I don’t believe you.  Sorry – not sorry, as they say.  The struggle should be ongoing, it is called “working out our salvation”, “learning to live like Jesus”, “growing in the Word”.  I need to keep at it.  I need to keep praying about it.  I need to keep asking God how to show love and keep the discipline where it belongs. I need help administering the discipline. I need to be disciplined.
Love is the requirement.  Love is the action. Love is the command.