Here’s what I don’t know.  What would have been my “end result” if I had remained at the college I was working for? What was next for me in that structure.  I am not talking about job title, description or even promotion/demotion.  I am talking about, what was next for me spiritually, physically and emotionally.

Let’s face facts.  I was dissatisfied with my job.  I was unhappy in the structure.  I was frustrated with their inability to view themselves honestly.  I was looking for another job.

Let me also say this – there were many people there that I was invested in and counted to be friends.  So none of this is about the daily  loss of those relationships in my termination experience.

People there knew I was looking for another job.  I was vocal about my dissatisfaction with the direction the institution insisted on pursuing.  I was irritated that they couldn’t seem to see the forest for the trees.  I hated the fact that everything I had been instructed to do, I had done, with never a thank you. I further hated that everything I had done was now being undone by someone less experienced than myself.

I just hadn’t found the right job to move to yet.

But if I was still there – during this whole time I have been terminated – how would I be?  Here is my guess.

I am a stress eater – so I would be filling my face with unnecessary food items… and trust me it would not be veggies!!  I find my greatest solace in chocolate… dark to be specific…sometimes I tell myself the dark chocolate covered pomegranates are fruit….So pack on the pounds.

 

My blood pressure would certainly be elevated.  I was spending way too many hours obsessing about how ridiculous “things” were, how poor communication was, how we were working hard and not smart.  I would spend the day getting my “undies in a bunch” over what felt like a big issue, but may not have been.  I spent the first hour after work… ok 2 hours… rehashing the day with my spouse telling him everything that just was not right.  I was making myself jittery and sick to my stomach. I was reacting to everything, everything was tied together. So add a medication.

 

I was exhausted. I found myself doing something I counseled others to never do – I was counting the days and then the hours until Friday afternoon. I was wishing my days away. And believe me, on the downward slope of life – I should not be doing that.  I couldn’t make my days count, so I counted my days. I kept trying to make it work for me, for my “people” because I felt responsible.I was trying to protect them and no one was protecting me. I was “watching my back” as I knew there were some who wanted me to fail so they could fire me.  I tried so much that I was burning my candle out. I wasn’t really resting at night, but tossing and turning. I was unable to disengage when I was not at work.  I was emotionally exhausted. So how about a therapist’s appointment.

 

Am I glad I was terminated under the guise of “consolidation”? No… of course not. And this is not an excuse for the employer to say “see it was better for you to not work here”.   I would have preferred to find alternative employment and  transition. However, what I did transition to was the ability to:

Pray

Rest, read, relax

Unload, unburden, disengage

Reconnect with myself, my husband, my children

Go back to healthy eating, lose some weight, breathe deeply

Look at my world from the perspective of the necessary as opposed to the indulgent. And lest you proclaim me a saint, I still would like the funds to be more indulgent – but I am safe and learning to be content in the necessary once again.

 

I continue to look for the silver lining in this storm cloud.  Some days I see it very clearly, other days, not so much. All we are really asked to be responsible for is today.  And today, there is silver around me.  My partner in crime is by my side, all my children are safe, and I have shelter, clothing and food.

 

I have a dear friend who tells me regularly “He gives us just enough”. I would challenge that thought today – I think He gives us so much more – it is just the manner in which we receive it.  I need to practice silver lining receivership and not be satisfied with storm cloud sufficiency.

Today, I have been unemployed 112 working days.  I am a slow learner..