Birthdays.  They happen to all of us.  Usually every year.  

 

Today is my day. 58 years ago, sometime in the middle of a Saturday night, after  the Lawrence Welk show, I joined my parents and a brother who was 9 years my senior.  Yup -I was an oops.  Well, my mother said I wasn’t – but really, no one waits 9 years to have their second baby.  Of course, I believed my mother until I was a parent myself and knew what it meant to add another child to our family.  Once I was an “adult” I knew, with no doubt, that I was not planned for- at least not at that timing interval.

 

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t wanted or loved.

 

 I was. And never has it been shared with me, and it never will be, what my parents thought process was when they found out I was on the way.  I don’t know if there were tears, or if there was apprehension or excitement.  I just know that I came along and my folks had to adjust.  They had a self sufficient child, one that was a typical first born.  Not his fault.  He just lucked into that role. They had a lifestyle that was well past the “baby caring” stage and now they needed to regroup and retool their lives, home and goals.  And they did.  As far as I knew.

 

I was raised in a time period where people just did not share their feelings well.  

 

Or maybe it was the German and Slovak heritage – you know the work hard and don’t complain mentality that was prevalent in my home.  But there was very little talk revolving around emotions.  Then came emotional me.  So not only was I a surprise – I was an emotional surprise as well!  And my emotions ran the gambit.  But mostly – they were outspoken. I know – you can’t imagine that at all…. ssssshhhhhh.  From an early age I was “calling out” what was really going on and in my uptight household, that was not tolerated well.  Consequently, I spent a lot of time in my room, thinking about what I had said. LOL!  I clearly remember  one conversation where my mother told me that I didn’t care what I said, even if it hurt someone else.  My response to her ( I was a pre-teen) was this “Well at least I will never have an ulcer!” meaning I don’t keep things inside and stew on them.  Even then, I had a comeback.

 

She had a point 

 

I would say whatever emotion I was feeling, and over the past 40 of my 58 years, I have had to learn HOW to say those emotions.  Notice, I did not say to NOT say those emotions. There have been times I don’t engage – those are few and far between – but mostly I look for a way to express what needs to be said.

 

 

 

Here is my philosophy: Just because something is uncomfortable to say, does not mean it should not be said.  And that is a two way street.  Sometimes I don’t want to hear what someone says to me, because it may speak to something that needs to change in my life.  And change is hard.  But sometimes that change is vital to my continued growth.  Same is true when I speak to you.  What is important is that I share those “hard thoughts” with you out of relationship and this is where things go haywire.  

People who just feel they can “pronounce into your life what your failures or improvements” should be, in my opinion, are out of line. BUT, if we have relationships with those people, then we have an obligation to work with our loved ones to better ourselves and themselves.  Yes, our committed relationships, require us to be involved in their lives.  Not just watch them self destruct from the sidelines. Love requires action. Love requires risk. Love simply requires.

 

It is just not acceptable to turn the other way when something needs to be said or done in a loved ones life, simply because we feel uncomfortable saying or doing.  Our act of omission, could be the driving force of failure in the other persons life – be it a string of small failures or one big one.  We need to overcome our fear and speak/act.  We need to do it the best way we can – but, we need to do it. There is no room for political correctness between our loved ones (well … don’t get me started on PC in our society either). Compassion, manners, tenderness – yes!  And action.  You don’t get to be in someone’s life and never do the hard stuff.

 

 That is not relationship.

 

 That is being an acquaintance. Imagine the difference your action could make for a person.  Imagine the difference in the lives that could be touched by your action.

 

I know this is scary

 

Why do I know?  Because I do this all the time.  And I am scared too. But, to be true to my relationships, I have to stick my nose into their business and from time to time offer the hard to hear words.  The frightening part is that you will be rejected by this person. That you will lose them. The uptick?  A deeper relationship. A changed relationship. Two people who have grown, matured, developed. Trust.  

 

I think the positives outweigh the negatives

 

This is why I usually take the chance.  The difference in me from my pre-teen days is that I do try to approach these things with more care than just spewing them at others.  I do try to speak the truth from the background of love. I will tell you what I see, so that you can determine if I am correct in your life.  And if you deem I am correct, I will also be there to assist you to make that change if you desire me to be there.  This is all hard work.  Remember, nothing easy is worth having – those things that take our energy and commitment – those are the things we point back to in our life as being valuable.

 

So- 58 years of interfering in your life if you invite me into it. Be sure you want to be my friend, because I will expect to be allowed to speak into your situation as well as expect you to speak into mine.  Life is hard – but the rewards can be endless.

 

And – I was right – I do not have an ulcer!