When you are wrong, do you admit to your wrongdoing?  Or your bad judgment? Or your incorrect statement? Do you go to the person that you “wronged” and apologize? Do you take ownership of the mistake, and make things right with the person that you hurt?

 

If you said “well no, it is too awkward” or “no, because the only reason they have hurt feelings is because they said or did something first that led me to do what I did”, or “no, it doesn’t really matter anyway, water under the bridge”, you are probably in the majority.

 

If you said yes. You are surely in the minority.

 

We find it very difficult to admit we are wrong.

 

To someone else.

 

We find it even more difficult to actually take ownership of what we did wrong.

 

This is really the first step in the apology process – ownership.  Recognition that, in fact, I made a mistake.The second step is doing something about it.  Going to the wronged individual and making amends.

 

Then this seems to happen.

 

Let’s see if you can relate to this:

 

“I am so sorry if I hurt you by ….fill in the blank.”

 

There is a very important word in that sentence – a very small word that makes a very big difference.  That little word is “IF”.  “… IF I hurt you…”

 

That tiny little word, in MHO, invalidates the apology.  It tries, once again. to push the blame back on the offended party. The hurt party. And doesn’t leave the fault with the one it needs to remain with – the apologizer.

 

As we craft our apology, assuming we actually craft them, we have all thought this, said this and believed this statement. “IF”.  “I am sorry, if….” Do you hear yourself saying this? Thinking this?

 

Here is the deal.  The other person IS hurt. The whole reason they need you to apologize is because of how they feel. I have learned that even though it may not have been my intent to say or do something hurtful, the recipient saw it that way, and because of that I need to apologize. I need to be responsible for how I am received as well as how I give. I don’t always like the position this puts me in, but….

 

Perhaps you are not someone who apologizes well, so you end up using this phrase, to save “face”. Usually it will get the “job done”, but with modifications.  The offended party still ends up holding some of the baggage from the situation.

 

So let’s think about apologizing “well”.

 

 

Let’s drop the conditional word “if” and take ownership for our wrongdoing. Let’s be responsible for our mistakes and even more responsible for mending our relationships.  Let’s say instead “ I know I have offended/hurt you and for that I am sorry”. Let’s own our apologies. Let’s make them count. Let’s offer them to others from a responsible position.
IF your relationships are important to you.

 

 

To be continued….