Apologies…. they don’t happen as often as they should. And whose fault is that? Obviously…..well, you fill in this blank!
As I was thinking about how poorly we apologize to each other, I am also reminded of how poorly we accept apologies. This is never clearer to me than to watch two children involved in an act of apology.
Child one, who has been instructed by an adult to “say sorry” to child two follows directions.
Child 1 to Child 2: I am sorry.
Child 2 to Child 1: It’s ok.
Ummmm…. no. It’s not “OK”.
Apologies are uncomfortable for all involved. The one offering and the one receiving. Therefore, in order to get this ordeal over with in rapid fashion, we say “sorry” and then we say “it’s OK”. But it is not OK. Hurt feelings are never OK.
We had this discussion many years ago with our kids. Often, as you can well imagine with four kids in the house, someone was always wronged or always felt wronged. We instructed our children to take responsibility for their part in the wrongdoing, go to the other person and apologize to them. We also instructed the person who felt wronged, that they needed to to say something more along the lines of “I accept your apology”. Why? Because it was not “OK” for someone to have hurt their feelings. Because it was important for the the “hurter” to own their mistake against the “hurtee”. And it was also incredibly important for the “hurtee” to actually experience the heartfelt apology and reach out to forgive. Forgiveness is difficult and becomes even more difficult when we brush it off with a simple “it’s OK”.
Not only did we try to instruct our children to behave in this manner, but we as the parents attempted to model this behavior. We had to learn this as adults. It was hard. But we practiced – sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully. But we kept at it.
Apologizing for bad behavior sometimes has to begin with the hurt party. That person may need to bring the specifics of the pain to the other person, and give them the chance to make amends.
Think about how well you receive an apology. What do you say? Instead of “it’s OK”, how about “I accept your apology”? Or maybe, “I appreciate your apology”.
Apologizing, which is really just taking responsibility for our actions, is an important part of any trusting relationship. If you have been unable to accept or offer an effective apology, take a minute and ask yourself why. Then take an opportunity to practice this skill.
Hey – as adults, I am sure the way you practice this will be better than the way we made our kids practice. They had to sit in two chairs, facing each other, HOLDING HANDS, until they could reasonably work it out and apologize to one another.
I recently needed to accept an apology from someone. They gave a blanket apology and although I may have felt they should own up to and apologize for specific things, I knew I needed to accept their apology and move forward. It was her best effort and a big step for her to do it. Forgiveness is part of the equation and God says we are to forgive if we want His forgiveness for our own sins. So my response was to say “I appreciate your apology”.
There are relationships where you can pursue a more in depth conversation about apologies and forgiveness. These of course help the healing and lessen the chance of the offensive happening again. But sometimes, we need to accept an apology and move on.