I struggle with roller coasters. No… that is not true – I HATE roller coasters. I don’t mind spinning ‘round and ‘round – I just can’t do roller coasters. I don’t do hilly roads either. I want to – I want the thrill, the laughter the squeals of delight. But what I get is clenched jaws. Clenched fists. I squeeze my eyes shut. They petrify me. They put me on edge. They create a sensation that feels completely out of control.
Keep talking long enough and you get the the underlying truth – I have no control over the feeling associated with hills. And I am a control freak. I admit it – I need control. And no matter how I try, I can’t relax enough to enjoy the thrill of the coaster.
Living in the spotlight of church leadership carries this same asphyxiating feeling for me- the same sense of no control. There are highs and lows, great times and devastating times (notice I did NOT say: good times vs bad times because it is much more than that); times to “hide” and times that you are “exposed”. There are rarely times of just easy going, when “things” are status quo and everyone is just keeping on keeping on. At least not in my experience.
I would have to say that for the vast majority of my life as a Pastor’s Wife, I was not honest. I was faking it till I made it. I was hoping if I lived it I would be it. I determined that these expectations would not be me or my family’s undoing. And, most of the time I was successful. I do have a bit of acting experience…..
Exposure was always threatened when I met folks from my pre-husband days. When they asked what I did with my life and I defined myself to them by saying I was a Pastor’s Wife, their response was one I didn’t want the church folks to hear. Responses like:
“You’re joking, right?”
“For real?”
“I would never have believed you, of all people, would be a Pastor’s Wife”.
Don’t misunderstand their response to mean that I was a wild child. That I broke all the rules – that I was a party animal. I was not. And my pre-husband friends knew that as well. What their shock was over was that my “personality” did not match the preconceived notion of what a Pastor’s Wife was or is – I was too loud, too opinionated, too much. And they were right. I was. But God as my witness – I tried to be less.
The flip side to this conversation of course, is that regardless of what I thought/felt/liked – God had a purpose for placing me in this role. That purpose could be for me, or for the church. Could be both. Or a purpose I will never know. This much I do know – God’s purpose and plan is greater than mine and I can rest assured that as uncomfortable as I may have been all these years, something for the kingdom was being accomplished. Even if that something was bringing me closer to the God who loves me. Because I do know He loves me (you know that old saying “God don’t make no junk”) and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
Did I LIKE all of this?
Of course not!
Would you like putting on a pair of size 10 jeans when you are an 18 and have to walk around like that every day?
NOPE.
So – in the purist sense of the question that this gentleman asked – I should have immediately answered with a resounding NO!
No, I do not like being a Pastor’s Wife.
I would have been better suited to be in the choir.
Well, OK- the choir director, but in the choir nonetheless.
On that day in a little town in Kansas, when I was asked “Do you like being a Pastor’s Wife?” – I glanced at my husband and smiled and then never really answered his question. After all, what this gentleman was really asking me was:
If I believed I was right with God, had answered His calling on my life, and was I grateful to have been chosen.
I am sure that no matter what I said – all he wanted to hear was how much I loved this role that he was using to define me.
Rest assured: I am grateful. I am right with God. And yes, I was called to this “position”. Just not in the usual way.
And, BTW: I am not in control…..
PS: I wonder what he would have done if I had said no?
cbd