May. This is a month of many celebrations – high school graduations,college graduations, Memorial Day ….. MOTHER’S DAY.

I have a love – hate relationship with this day – Mother’s Day.

 

I love this day because it reminds me of the some of best things in my life… times four.  Four children that I am honored to have call me mom, 4 kids that have been a central focus of my last 31 years. 4 birds that I feathered the nest for as they grew.  I loved having kids, raising kids and now love that they are all adults, I love being their friend, advisor, encourager, and yes- still their mom. We have our differences – that is NORMAL- but we always know that after the differences, disagreements and distance that we belong to each other.  There is nothing that can separates us. This is our tribe.

I love being a mom – so I love Mother’s Day. Even when I can’t celebrate with all my kiddo’s.  PS:  those of you who can celebrate with all of yours, count yourself blessed.

I also hate this day… this day of honoring mother’s.

This day when we see all the social media posts and blogs about a mother’s unconditional love. This day when all the cards you can buy speak of a person who was your biggest cheerleader, greatest encourager and was the one who protected you as you developed into who “you” were to become.

Why do I hate this day?  I hate it for all of those whose mother was not the things that all the cards say about a mother. I hate it for all of those who don’t have a “socially acceptable” reason for not buying their mother one of these cards.  

I understand that there are those whose mothers have passed away – I see the posts about being a motherless daughter.  I understand that there are those who have had or do have abusive mother’s. Everyone understands that Mother’s day is tough for them.

But there is a population in our world, whose mothers look to be fulfilling the correct role to the “outside world”, but those whom she “mothers” know all too well that there is nothing healthy to be found in the mother/child relationship.  These children, although they have a mother, and this mother appears to be doing all the right “mothering” things, are adrift in a sea of mixed signals and unmet expectations.

This is a touchy subject in society.  We are supposed to love, support, connect, interact, etc, etc with our mother’s.  If we don’t – then it most assuredly must be the child’s fault.  I mean – all mothers are seen as giving and understanding, therefore, the child – as a child or as an adult – must be the problem if there seems to be no positive relationship.  We don’t talk about difficult mothers to the the extreme of having no relationship with them, because – come on… everyone should just forgive and forget their mother’s bad behavior.  Right?

For me it was healthier to distance myself and even sever the relationship with my mother. And this is socially taboo. I know. Because when I share that I have done so, I get the “ah, so you can’t forgive your mother for some injustice and get on with your relationship” look that crosses over their face. I have seen it many times.  And I have also heard many times that it is up to me to repair this relationship or it is up to me to just deal with whatever the relationship offers – after all… she is your MOTHER.  You only get one.

Believe me, I have done the forgive and get over and get on with life more times than you can imagine. Each time, I have told myself, it must be my fault (because she has assured me it is never her fault), I must have the problem (because she assures me she is problem free), that I am the one who has emotional deficiencies (because she assures me that she does not) and that I should be grateful that she is willing to continue to bless me by being in my life (when it works to her benefit).

Therefore, one day, I drew the line in the sand and said no more. The circumstances of that “one day” don’t really matter (even though she would say they do) because there had been a hundred previous circumstances that would have qualified for line drawing. So, somewhere about 22 years ago, I said no more.  You no longer have the right to take me on this emotional roller coaster. You no longer have the right to punish me (I was a full grown adult with 4 children of my own). You no longer have the right to interject insanity into my life and the life of my family.

It has not gone well for me. I have been the recipient of hateful letters, of emotionally charged phone calls, and separation from the rest of my immediate family. I feel the ridicule of folks who ask “how is your mother” and I answer that “I don’t really know as we are not speaking”.  I deal with the guilt of making this decision. I still believe it is the right decision – but there is still guilt.

But it has been healthier for me and for my family. We don’t face the constant unknown of when the next “shoe is going to drop”. We don’t invite in the pain and suffering that the relationship has with it – the struggle it has always been.

My mother is 91 years old. Please don’t tell me that I have the power to restore this relationship and that I should let it go -I have done that so many times, and each time the  breakdown of the relationship is worse.  There are no healthy options here

So I live with the guilt. Most days, it is distant in my mind as I am geographically very far away from my mother. Most days, it seems that my mother passed away some 20 years ago. Most days I don’t dwell on this failed relationship.

 

Except on Mother’s Day…….